Loving a Newborn

I feel most vulnerable when I have a newborn. I love this new child so intensely that my logic and reason is questionable. When Clairvaux was ten days old, she ran a fever of 104 degrees. We took her to the ER in which they did a spinal tap and all the good things that come with having a newborn with a fever. I am a wounded duck from that experience. I remembered her tiny newborn body curled up on the bed while the doctor's prepared to take a sample of her spinal fluid.

With Damaris, I have felt her head more often then I should because of my experience with Clairvaux. She woke up around 4:30 last night to eat and she felt warm. I nursed her and denied in my head that she really was warm and I was just imagining it. I got out the thermometer and it read 100.5 degrees.

I wouldn't think twice about this temperature if it was my older kids, but for newborn I know it is much different. I know you are to call your doctor right away and then usually head to the ER. Just the day before I was truly marveling at her perfection and feeling on top of the world with my new girl. She is just sweet. I thought of all she was going to have to go through and the air was quickly getting sucked out of our bedroom. NOOOOOO!!!!!!! I don't want to do this. I kept taking her temp. hoping it would go down magically, but of course it didn't so I called my mother and John's mother to pray.

I called our doctor and he said that if it gets over 101 degrees we need to head to the ER. John went to early mass and then I went when he got home so we didn't have to take her out. I was sitting at mass with a hollow heart because of the heaviness I felt at the current situation. I H.A.T.E this part of motherhood. I hate worrying so much about somebody I love so much especially somebody so new. While at mass, I noticed every pew in front of me was somebody I knew. Because of my friendship with each person, I know a few of the crosses they are currently carrying. I watched my friend Lucy and her severely autistic child. I watched my friend Janel carry the heavy cross in her heart of just having two miscarriages. I watched my friend Nikki with a heavy heart of just having an adoption fall through. I was so sad for all these people.

What did I learn today? I learned yet again my faith is weak and I am loving things above God. When I looked at Damaris all day, I was weak. I just wanted her to be fine. I don't want to suffer or to worry. I don't want it to be hard. I want to gain heaven without the cross and I know it is not possible yet I am so weak. We took the kids to pray night prayer at the Pink Sisters tonight. I couldn't leave. I sat in the front pew with all my little girls around me and couldn't move. Why is everything so clear in there? It all makes sense in front of Our Lord especially surrounded by holy nuns. On the way out, I saw my saint friend, Sharon. I know about 3 saints on earth and she is one of them. She's never married.  She spends her days in service of others and making sure others are happy. I told John when we left that since I've known her (12 years) she has had that holy hour every Sunday. I admire her faithfulness even though life has been so disappointing in regards to her hopes and dreams. She comes to see HIM every day. She wanted so much to be married and have children. God had other plans for her good life. She is so faithful. I need to be more faithful and stop riding in such unsteady ship. Damaris is doing well tonight. Her temperature went down. I pray that it stays down, but more I WANT to pray that I just do God's will and accept it like St. Paul did in the scriptures.