God's Providential Delay

From my daily devotional this morning:

 "God in His healing mercy often requires PATIENCE from us, but we creatures of time want our comfort right away.  We would steal his lordship of time.  The Father is wise, and knows not only what to give but when to give.

It is a common theme in Shakespeare, PROVIDENTIAL delay.

He knows what will bring us the most joy, in the fullness of time."

I last wrote about my mother's scan showing a new tumor.  They planned to rescan that following week, but she developed pneumonia so everything was pushed back until this week.  They rescanned this past Monday and biopsy on Tuesday.  The biopsy showed two new tumors instead of the original one discovered a couple weeks ago.  We have all held out hope so much that the tumor was just scar tissue, but knowing that a new tumor has already grown pretty much rules that out.  We meet for the biopsy/scan report on March 9th.

My dearest, most wonderful friend in all of the world. How can we be here?  I have cried my eyes swollen so many countless nights.  I have thrown every last bit at God asking Him to please spare your life.

Shortly after this news, I began to count the costs.  I have every temptation to type out every cross that has come our way this year right here, right now.  But, I won't and can't.  It is not about me, it is about Christ.  I had forgotten that and I added it all up for my grand total of suffering this year.  It became about me.  It is all about HIM.  I had taken my eyes off the one I love most and looked at myself and began to drown like Peter.

You asked those dearest my heart this year.  I know we are made for heaven, but our time seems to have been cut short.  I have so many questions I need to ask her.  I want her to see our children grow.  I want her to see the fruits of her prayer and sacrifices manifested in her children, grandchildren, and all those she has prayed for.

But, that might not be God's will for her here.  The hardest part of accepting that which you fear most is knowing how to live day to day.  I place my life in your hands, but how do I radiate your joy to the world? 

I came downstairs this morning and just watched her.  She was sipping coffee listening to Lillie play the piano.  I was frozen. 

We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking together.  I finally tucked her in and looked back to see her smiling at me.  It couldn't help but blurt out, "I am going to miss you so very much." When someone you love is sick, you eagerly push all your feelings aside to be positive and soley focused on their emotions that any pain that you encounter is shoved aside because it pails in comparison to their pain.  I couldn't help but say it. 

This picture popped up on my facebook feed as a memory from two years ago.  She was in the hospital at the time for pneumonia.  This was before cancer.  This picture came the day after her scan.  I couldn't help but think how fitting to show her with that big heart.  She loves so deeply, specifically her children.  She has fought, battled, and waged war for our souls.  What a heavenly mother we were given to be so focused on getting us to such wonderfulness. 

My brother sent this video to all of us today and I thought it explained my good mother so well.
It is well worth the 6 minutes of your life to understand our mission here on earth specifically towards our loved ones.