I have had so many conversations with women about certain emotional areas of motherhood. We can all agree that so many emotions go into the massive job of raising souls. Of course, we find laughter, contentment, frustrations, joy, growth, and love. I do believe there are many other emotions that women don't talk about much that are normal and part of our "job description." I believe these that are left "untalked about" lead many women to feel inadequate or that they aren't a good mother. I've mentioned so many times before the blessing I've been given of so many holy and experienced mothers. They have shared with many the normalcy of the wide variety of emotions.
Upon further reflection, I believe God lets us experience these emotions so we have yet another opportunity to share in His Calvary and grow deeper into union with him.
1. Loneliness: As my very content mother at home put it, "The loneliness of motherhood is deafening." We are at home with our little ones making life changing, life altering decisions EVERY day. We are the ones to decide what is best for them and pick for them the things that will affect their entire lives. We are the ones watching a child with a raging fever and trying to decide if we should call the doctor now or NOW. We are the ones with a little one pulling at our leg for attention and we are well aware we haven't given them much attention today, but dinner needs to be cooked, laundry needs to be folded, the bathrooms need to be scrubbed, the baby needs to be held, and we are trying to lose that extra 15lbs, so our thoughts are preoccupied with so many different thoughts. We are at home all day with no one above our knee cap to talk to and that lends itself to loneliness. We are directing traffic all day and yearn for a fellow officer to be with us to ease the heaviness of the job.
I recall an incident once when John was away camping with Dominic. At bedtime, I had let the girls talk for a while, but went back to the room to tell them it was time to be quiet. I said, "If I hear one more word, you will have to sleep in another room by yourself." Torture for someone who is use to having siblings to sleep with. So, long and behold, I walk down the hall and hear some chit-chatting. So, I turn right back around and calmly ask the offender to grab her pillow and blanket and escorted her into the other room. I tucked her in, told her I loved her, and said good night. She was devastated and afraid. I knew she was afraid, but I knew that if I didn't stick to my guns, the behavior would repeat and she would know that I didn't mean business. I remember crying that night. I hate those decisions. I didn't want to make her afraid, but I don't want a disrespectful child who doesn't listen to our requests. I remember feeling lonely that night especially since John was gone and not there to affirm or tell me that I was/wasn't doing the right thing by sticking with my decision. I believe Satan tempts mothers at home with thoughts of "Other women are content, why aren't you. Everyone else knows how to handle these situations, why can't you. All women at home are happy, why aren't you? No one has ever lost their patience like you."
2. A deep desire for friendship which is usually accompanied by the feeling of "not having any close friends."
Oh, how I could write forever on this issue. My wise mother again said, "Mothers need other mothers." No matter how close John and I are, I still yearn for friendship with other women and mothers to talk with, share with, bounce ideas with, cry with, figure life out with, go on girl walks with to talk about girl things with. I think most women are tempted with the feeling of "I don't have any close friends, you know like I did in high school." With children, life is sporadic and doesn't lend itself to the time needed to build close, womanly friendship. We are wearing so many different hats, trying to keep our own homes afloat and then to have the time to nurture a relationship usually isn't there, but the desire is there. I believe Satan tempts us with thoughts of "Everybody has friends, but you."
3. Comparison: This one is a real trap for mothers. There is nothing like being with other mothers and your little one just doesn't quite compare. I remember how well Dominic knew his saints and we attended a boy's club. The leader of the club asked the boys which was their favorite saint. I pridefully thought he would belt out some awesome saint and guess what he said. WINNIE THE POOH. Yes, you heard me. Winnie the Pooh. He knew well he wasn't a saint, so why did he say that?? That was awesome!
I recall another incident when the kids entered their first track meet. I was so excited to see them run and compete. Due to the fact that this was our first athletic event with the kids, I didn't expect much, but also knew they would do great because John and I are athletic peeps. Wrong again. ALL of our kids got DEAD last and some even cried while running. Wow. I was so taken aback by my reaction. All the way to the track meet, I am saying the usual "Do your best." Well, they had the time of their lives while running their little hearts out. I remember Dominic thinking he got first place (he really got last). He came up to me smiling and said, "Looks like we bought the right shoes, I won my race." gulp. What is wrong with me? Snap out of it. I am smiling at him, but my stomach wants to throw up. I was so embarrassed. I learned so much about myself that day. It was such a day of growth. Here I was thinking that all we want from them was their best. That is exactly what they gave us. I really had to do some soul searching on that one. Once again, I was Pridefully comparing. So, off to the confessional I went, and began again.
Mothers are CONSTANTLY comparing, sizing up, and gauging their child because really it is reflection upon how well WE are doing as their mother. There is no other gauge of our efforts than to see how they compare to others. What a terrible trap! It stifles so much joy and robs us of seeing the individuality of each child and helping them progress into whom God made them to be not who God made them to be like as in other kids their age. Comparison leads to discontentment and anxiousness. It makes my heart unsettled and needy. One of satan's titles is "The King of Immediacy." Meaning, we must fix it now, do something about it now because our child might be left behind.
4. Boredom:
The monotony of our work leads to boredom. We say the same things over and over, do the same things over and over, clean the same things over and over. I mention this only because I think women begin to feel bored and start looking for fulfillment outside of the home when in reality it is just part of the job description. The more we can be distracted from our homes, the more our home life will start to fall apart. The discipline of the monotony is so good for our souls. It is refining and purifying. God purifies us through motherhood. At times, I am very aware that I really am not a key factor in this relationship only God is using these circumstances of the every day to get my soul to heaven. When I separate the two, I am free. When I realize that it is God who is parenting them, not I, I am free. He is using me in this relationship to work out my bumps and bruises. Boredom is part of the job, but the answer to this emotion is not outside of the home. It is a shifting of the thoughts and passions realizing how good all the emotions are for our soul. We can go deeper into union with Him.
5. Just can't keep up/ Just don't add up
We are usually blessed for our own good and humility with a friend who seemingly "just has it together." The kind that every thing they do from their kids, their dogs, their grass, their soap dispensers, their meals, everything just goes well and has an extra little fairy glimmer to it. We, on the other hand, are so proud of ourselves for making our bed this morning, showering and even applying a layer of eyeshadow. Awesome. They usually arrive at our doorstep by 8:30 dressed, all their housework is completed and were just in the neighborhood "dropping off fresh cinnamon rolls" because, and they "can't stay long" because their yoga class starts in 30 minutes. Most days like this, I see God winking at me. Days like this also make me reflect upon who He made me to be and see my own gifts and not compare. Some things just are. I was tempted for a long time with the thought that if I just stayed up late enough to prepare for our homeschooling days everything would go smoothly. I would then be so hard on myself for wanting time to just be with John, or go to be early, or sleep in later than I should. My Aunt told me to stop that immediately. She told me that we can't forget our humanness. We are not robots and are not made to be robots. Don't fall into the temptations of pushing harder.
Once again, I cheer you on! Nothing is more consoling to know that what we are feeling is normal. After I realize what is normal, I then begin to move forward past the emotion. Isn't that all we are looking for? Here's to the reaching of our full potential as an individual mother designed by God to parent these specific children all in the realm of eternity! What freedom!
I read this quote today that said in perfectly for me:
"I wished to have many children so that I could raise them for Heaven." St. Zelie
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Motherhood. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Comparison
I came across this little diddy a couple days ago.
To Bring Up Children without Comparison
One is everlastingly comparing oneself with another, with what one is, with what one should be, with someone who is more fortunate.
This comparison really kills.
Comparison is degrading, it perverts one's outlook.
And on comparison one is brought up.
All our education is based on it and so is our culture.
So there is everlasting struggle to be something other than what one is.
The understanding of what one is uncovers creativeness,
but comparison breeds competitiveness, ruthlessness, ambition,
which we think brings about progress.
Progress has only led so far to more ruthless wars and misery than the world has ever known. To bring up children without comparison is true education.
by Krishnamurti Foundation of American
I found this beautiful when I contemplate each of my children and their gifts and struggles. Because Our Lord would have just died for me or any one person for that matter, EACH person has such a definitive plan. From a child's very beginnings, we are comparing them to a chart and how other babies their age are doing. We then do this little method the rest of their lives. How beautiful it would be to take each child as EACH child and focus on them, their gifts, their talents, and what God intended them to bring to the table. That is my goal. I want to travel down the little road not looking left or right and just be. I want to find contentment that God is developing them and will bring to them what they need. God is forming them perfectly.
To Bring Up Children without Comparison
One is everlastingly comparing oneself with another, with what one is, with what one should be, with someone who is more fortunate.
This comparison really kills.
Comparison is degrading, it perverts one's outlook.
And on comparison one is brought up.
All our education is based on it and so is our culture.
So there is everlasting struggle to be something other than what one is.
The understanding of what one is uncovers creativeness,
but comparison breeds competitiveness, ruthlessness, ambition,
which we think brings about progress.
Progress has only led so far to more ruthless wars and misery than the world has ever known. To bring up children without comparison is true education.
by Krishnamurti Foundation of American
I found this beautiful when I contemplate each of my children and their gifts and struggles. Because Our Lord would have just died for me or any one person for that matter, EACH person has such a definitive plan. From a child's very beginnings, we are comparing them to a chart and how other babies their age are doing. We then do this little method the rest of their lives. How beautiful it would be to take each child as EACH child and focus on them, their gifts, their talents, and what God intended them to bring to the table. That is my goal. I want to travel down the little road not looking left or right and just be. I want to find contentment that God is developing them and will bring to them what they need. God is forming them perfectly.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Moms: Trying to Be Perfect?
I thought this was a beautiful read:
Moms: Trying to be Perfect?
My favorite line:
There’s no need to be the perfect mom. All I need to be is a mom who depends on the love of a perfect God.
Moms: Trying to be Perfect?
My favorite line:
There’s no need to be the perfect mom. All I need to be is a mom who depends on the love of a perfect God.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
My 33rd Birthday
Please read each line below of St. Augustine's piece on friendship. I felt ever so grateful for this beautiful piece today and thought of all the wonderful people in my life.
“What drew me closest to my brothers and sisters was the delight of chatting and laughing together, of showing our affection for one another by kindly services, of reading together from books that spoke of pleasant things, of joking together amicably, of disputing now and then but without resentment, as one is wont to do with himself, of awakening by rare contest the pleasure of being one in mind, of mutually instructing on another, of longing for the absent one, and tasting joy of his return. We loved each other with all our hearts, and these marks of our friendship that were shown in our faces, by our voices, in our eyes and a thousand other ways, were among us like ardent flames that fused our soul together, and of many made but one.”
-St. Augustine
I had the best birthday of my life. A day that was filled with many wonderful things. The good Lord blessed me with a heart full of gratitude to admire and see each thing separately and in another form. Time almost stopped today at certain moments. I watched, I read beautiful notes, I cherished the gift of friendship, I sat for 30 minutes feeding Vianney her taco meat and purposely watched her chew each bite, smile, chew, look around and watch the other kids, smile, show me her teeth, try to explain big eyed what her next request was. The gift of being completely with her while she ate was one of my favorite presents.
My greatest gift. HIM.
I've written several posts in my head about the making of a saint. They all are dedicated to John. I check often to see if he is levitating in his spare time. John is the master of doing the smallest things heroically well. He is my best gift. I know he may never be canonized a saint for the world to know, but I know in my heart he is. He has mastered the gift of unselfishness. He has given up his life for everyone. He truly lives the words, "My life is not my own." Thank you Lord for the opportunity to meet and know such a person.
My other favorite birthday presents.
An 8 year old boy named Dominic.
I stop everyday and watch you practice the piano. I love watching you count the notes and figure out each piece of music. You have a gift. You asked me all day today, "Do you feel special?" You make everyday special. We had a early morning appointment and I had asked you last night to get the girls up early, make sure they dress and please make them cereal because I was meeting a friend. I got home and everyone was sitting there dressed, fed, and ready to go. I love that you told the girls to fix their hair.
A sweet little girl named Zellie who just turned "Free."
We celebrated her third birthday last month by letting her vote. She was the first to wish me Happy Birthday this morning. I asked her how she knew that and she informed me that "Papa told me last night." Birthday=complete. She told me all day that I was the "best muther in the wurld." You seriously danced to Gaelic Storm this evening and that pretty much was the best present from you today. We played Simon Says and watching you seriously try to "Simon Says rub your head and belly" was the next best gift. You don't mess around because your sisters will kick you out of the game.
Sweet Rose of Lima age 4
You have a been a gift since the moment I saw you. You were born at such a pivotal point in our lives. I probably will never look at you without wearing rose colored glasses. You have a beautiful gentleness, loyalty, and are a good friend. If you get a treat, you always want to save some for Lillie and Zellie. You remind all to "think of oth-yers first." I once took you with me to the grocery store and they were handing out sample bites of frosted cookies. I gave you one and then you sweetly asked, "What about Lillie?" The nice lady gave you another sample and for the next 30 minutes in the store and the 10 minute drive home, you guarded that sample bite of cookie for Lillie as if you were holding a treasure. I will never forget that.
You have a sweetness to match your name.
A young, sweet lady named Lillie.
I marvel how you have grown and how you help me. You are the leader of the pack. I see so much of my little self in you. You are Anne Shirley too. I love watching you pack your purse before we leave for places. You go through spurts regarding the different items you pack, but it gets me every time. At times especially after I have a new baby, you pack a diaper bag for your babies. The whole deal. Diapers, wipes, a bottle, a burp rag, and a sleeper just in case your baby needs a change of clothes. You pack the your doll into a carrier and cover it with a blanket and tuck in the sides. You have a purse over one shoulder and the infant doll carrier over the other. Now, one might think this is cute and fun. No. This is real and serious. I am SO THANKFUL I have taken the time to watch you get all your belongings ready. Sometimes, you ask to bring a stroller. I always say yes. We once went to hear a politician speak and you asked (along with your sisters) if you could bring your doll stroller. What a site to see! John and I walking with Dominic pushing baby Vianney in the stroller and behind me were my ducks all pushing their individual strollers. My heart hurt with pride and joy. I thought, "This is what life is all about." You all stood dutifully by your strollers listening to the politician talk about not raising taxes. I will always remember that sweet day. I love when you will watch a girl movie like Little Women or Anne of Green Gables and for the next weeks you will be in complete character. I love that you tuck your shirt in when you wear a skirt. It makes me smile because it usually is tucked in way to high as all little kids do. Cute and innocent.
Baby Vianney Jean-Marie 16 months
Do I really need to write anything after you've seen this picture.
110% JOY. 110% PERFECTION. 110% PURE LOVE. Sometimes, I want to kiss her teeth. Is that weird? Maybe. But you know what I mean. They stick out and she talks with them. I love them.
The greatest gift that will be given to me this year.
I am due to hold you in 21 days. I am due to see who you will be, gaze into your eyes, cry with complete gratitude and marvel once again, "How does God do this?" in 21 days. We watch you every night trying to get comfortable. We say every night, "That is amazing!" Inches away, your little body sits safely tucked inside of me waiting. I can grab your little foot. Amazing. We watch you roll over. Amazing. I love how John looks at me near the end of pregnancies. Complete awe. I saw a very holy priest a couple months ago and when we passed in the Church, he bowed to me. What respect and reverence for new life. A woman carrying a child within is mysterious. I CANNOT wait to gaze upon you for the first time.
I have so many people to thank for today. Not just for today, but for all they are to me in my life. For some reason, Birthdays bring to the forefront the gift of friendship to me especially the older I get. I met a dear friend for breakfast at 6:30 this morning. As her and I always do, we attempted to figure life out, we cried, we encouraged, we laughed, and as we always do when we part, we challenged each other to see the glass of life overflowing with possibilities and deeper meanings not just a glass half full. I came home from our appointment to my mother-in-law and a counter top full of presents and my favorite cookies from Eileen's Colossal Bakery. What touched me most is how each present was so very thoughtful and that she drove over to give them to me! She is a master at giving the gift of time. She walked with me through each room of our newly painted downstairs admiring our work. John's family is the best birthday "celebrate-ers". Everybody calls and sings and really expresses to you how they appreciate your life. I love that they do this. I loved talking to all my siblings today and planning our weekend ahead. My sister Kristin spent the day with us at the zoo, treating me to Chipotle, and making me lay on the couch while she cleaned the whole house while we talked.
The gift of time and friendship is my new favorite gift.
Lastly, but as importantly. I was equally touched by all the phone calls, emails, and especially the Facebook messages. For some reason, each message was so personal to me. One might say, "That only takes a second." What really is a second of time when each second to me was so much more than a second. Each message was a recollection, a memory of each friendship made. I thought about each person. Some are family, some were neighbors when we were first married, some I've met through blogging, some through the Newman Center, some through our wonderful years in Oklahoma, some through my wonderful bible study, some through high school and college, some whom I worked with and played basketball with in high school or college. Every time I read a note, I thanked God for each person and asked Him to bless their life. It was fun to think of our pasts together and was honored that they would take the time to write. I now understand why the elderly request "Card Showers Only. Your presence is my best present." I couldn't agree more. Maybe I am turning elderly faster than I know. I am blessed beyond words.
“What drew me closest to my brothers and sisters was the delight of chatting and laughing together, of showing our affection for one another by kindly services, of reading together from books that spoke of pleasant things, of joking together amicably, of disputing now and then but without resentment, as one is wont to do with himself, of awakening by rare contest the pleasure of being one in mind, of mutually instructing on another, of longing for the absent one, and tasting joy of his return. We loved each other with all our hearts, and these marks of our friendship that were shown in our faces, by our voices, in our eyes and a thousand other ways, were among us like ardent flames that fused our soul together, and of many made but one.”
-St. Augustine
I had the best birthday of my life. A day that was filled with many wonderful things. The good Lord blessed me with a heart full of gratitude to admire and see each thing separately and in another form. Time almost stopped today at certain moments. I watched, I read beautiful notes, I cherished the gift of friendship, I sat for 30 minutes feeding Vianney her taco meat and purposely watched her chew each bite, smile, chew, look around and watch the other kids, smile, show me her teeth, try to explain big eyed what her next request was. The gift of being completely with her while she ate was one of my favorite presents.
My greatest gift. HIM.
I've written several posts in my head about the making of a saint. They all are dedicated to John. I check often to see if he is levitating in his spare time. John is the master of doing the smallest things heroically well. He is my best gift. I know he may never be canonized a saint for the world to know, but I know in my heart he is. He has mastered the gift of unselfishness. He has given up his life for everyone. He truly lives the words, "My life is not my own." Thank you Lord for the opportunity to meet and know such a person.
My other favorite birthday presents.
An 8 year old boy named Dominic.
I stop everyday and watch you practice the piano. I love watching you count the notes and figure out each piece of music. You have a gift. You asked me all day today, "Do you feel special?" You make everyday special. We had a early morning appointment and I had asked you last night to get the girls up early, make sure they dress and please make them cereal because I was meeting a friend. I got home and everyone was sitting there dressed, fed, and ready to go. I love that you told the girls to fix their hair.
A sweet little girl named Zellie who just turned "Free."
We celebrated her third birthday last month by letting her vote. She was the first to wish me Happy Birthday this morning. I asked her how she knew that and she informed me that "Papa told me last night." Birthday=complete. She told me all day that I was the "best muther in the wurld." You seriously danced to Gaelic Storm this evening and that pretty much was the best present from you today. We played Simon Says and watching you seriously try to "Simon Says rub your head and belly" was the next best gift. You don't mess around because your sisters will kick you out of the game.
Sweet Rose of Lima age 4
You have a been a gift since the moment I saw you. You were born at such a pivotal point in our lives. I probably will never look at you without wearing rose colored glasses. You have a beautiful gentleness, loyalty, and are a good friend. If you get a treat, you always want to save some for Lillie and Zellie. You remind all to "think of oth-yers first." I once took you with me to the grocery store and they were handing out sample bites of frosted cookies. I gave you one and then you sweetly asked, "What about Lillie?" The nice lady gave you another sample and for the next 30 minutes in the store and the 10 minute drive home, you guarded that sample bite of cookie for Lillie as if you were holding a treasure. I will never forget that.
You have a sweetness to match your name.
A young, sweet lady named Lillie.
I marvel how you have grown and how you help me. You are the leader of the pack. I see so much of my little self in you. You are Anne Shirley too. I love watching you pack your purse before we leave for places. You go through spurts regarding the different items you pack, but it gets me every time. At times especially after I have a new baby, you pack a diaper bag for your babies. The whole deal. Diapers, wipes, a bottle, a burp rag, and a sleeper just in case your baby needs a change of clothes. You pack the your doll into a carrier and cover it with a blanket and tuck in the sides. You have a purse over one shoulder and the infant doll carrier over the other. Now, one might think this is cute and fun. No. This is real and serious. I am SO THANKFUL I have taken the time to watch you get all your belongings ready. Sometimes, you ask to bring a stroller. I always say yes. We once went to hear a politician speak and you asked (along with your sisters) if you could bring your doll stroller. What a site to see! John and I walking with Dominic pushing baby Vianney in the stroller and behind me were my ducks all pushing their individual strollers. My heart hurt with pride and joy. I thought, "This is what life is all about." You all stood dutifully by your strollers listening to the politician talk about not raising taxes. I will always remember that sweet day. I love when you will watch a girl movie like Little Women or Anne of Green Gables and for the next weeks you will be in complete character. I love that you tuck your shirt in when you wear a skirt. It makes me smile because it usually is tucked in way to high as all little kids do. Cute and innocent.
Baby Vianney Jean-Marie 16 months
Do I really need to write anything after you've seen this picture.
110% JOY. 110% PERFECTION. 110% PURE LOVE. Sometimes, I want to kiss her teeth. Is that weird? Maybe. But you know what I mean. They stick out and she talks with them. I love them.
The greatest gift that will be given to me this year.
I am due to hold you in 21 days. I am due to see who you will be, gaze into your eyes, cry with complete gratitude and marvel once again, "How does God do this?" in 21 days. We watch you every night trying to get comfortable. We say every night, "That is amazing!" Inches away, your little body sits safely tucked inside of me waiting. I can grab your little foot. Amazing. We watch you roll over. Amazing. I love how John looks at me near the end of pregnancies. Complete awe. I saw a very holy priest a couple months ago and when we passed in the Church, he bowed to me. What respect and reverence for new life. A woman carrying a child within is mysterious. I CANNOT wait to gaze upon you for the first time.
I have so many people to thank for today. Not just for today, but for all they are to me in my life. For some reason, Birthdays bring to the forefront the gift of friendship to me especially the older I get. I met a dear friend for breakfast at 6:30 this morning. As her and I always do, we attempted to figure life out, we cried, we encouraged, we laughed, and as we always do when we part, we challenged each other to see the glass of life overflowing with possibilities and deeper meanings not just a glass half full. I came home from our appointment to my mother-in-law and a counter top full of presents and my favorite cookies from Eileen's Colossal Bakery. What touched me most is how each present was so very thoughtful and that she drove over to give them to me! She is a master at giving the gift of time. She walked with me through each room of our newly painted downstairs admiring our work. John's family is the best birthday "celebrate-ers". Everybody calls and sings and really expresses to you how they appreciate your life. I love that they do this. I loved talking to all my siblings today and planning our weekend ahead. My sister Kristin spent the day with us at the zoo, treating me to Chipotle, and making me lay on the couch while she cleaned the whole house while we talked.
The gift of time and friendship is my new favorite gift.
Lastly, but as importantly. I was equally touched by all the phone calls, emails, and especially the Facebook messages. For some reason, each message was so personal to me. One might say, "That only takes a second." What really is a second of time when each second to me was so much more than a second. Each message was a recollection, a memory of each friendship made. I thought about each person. Some are family, some were neighbors when we were first married, some I've met through blogging, some through the Newman Center, some through our wonderful years in Oklahoma, some through my wonderful bible study, some through high school and college, some whom I worked with and played basketball with in high school or college. Every time I read a note, I thanked God for each person and asked Him to bless their life. It was fun to think of our pasts together and was honored that they would take the time to write. I now understand why the elderly request "Card Showers Only. Your presence is my best present." I couldn't agree more. Maybe I am turning elderly faster than I know. I am blessed beyond words.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Adjusting to a New Life in the Home
To my girls,
I have been blessed during my life with many holy women who are dedicated to raising souls that God has entrusted them with. They see each new life given to them as a promotion.
My mother has always been a constant reminder that Mary, our Heavenly Mother pondered these things in her heart. I believe that each child God gives to us we are to stop and ponder. Ponder what fabulous miracle this new little body is. Ponder how each child was deigned by God even before your father and I knew of your existence. Ponder how God has plans for you already. Each child is meant to change you as a mother. Each child stretches your heart to love and to love deeper.
My very favorite quote from Mother Teresa "LOVE begins at Home. It is not How Much We Do, but how much LOVE we put into what we do." I had this on our refrigerator most of your childhood.
Here are a few basics that I adhered to after each new child given to us. My mother passed this wisdom to me. Her mother passed this wisdom to her.
1. Give yourself 3 months for the chaos to settle down. Expect it. It is normal. Mama has changed. The whole dynamics of the family has changed. Your father and I expect it after every baby. After three months, you will truly find it miraculous. You will say to yourself, "Things really seem to be calming down."
2. Expect nothing of yourself for the first six weeks. If you want to clean, clean. If you don't want to clean, don't clean. If you need to order pizza, order pizza. If you need to have the little ones watch a few extra movies, watch a few extra movies. Don't worry or stress about anything. Don't make this the time to judge if you are a good mother or not. You are tired. You are overwhelmed with gratitude for your new life. If you have weight to lose (like your mother), don't put pressure on yourself to get it off right away.
3. Remember your husband needs a break to. Your father and I try to go on a date shortly after we have a baby just so we can talk and look at each other. We've had the best talks and cries. I tell him my fears and he always calms me down and reassures me everything will be fine. Try to do small things to make him still feel so special even though you are completely consumed with the new baby.
4. After most of my babies, I feel a distance between me and my other children. It has helped me to take each of you on a date. It may be to Starbucks for a hot chocolate, or just along to the grocery store. I take this time to really focus on the child with me and to let them know how special and loved they still are to me.
4. Most women I talk to are so overwhelmed during the first three months after a baby, they feel as though they could never have another child. This isn't the time to be thinking of such decisions. Your life will settle down. This new person will very quickly become part of the rest of the crowd. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, over emotional, over tired, etc., etc. It is the map of this journey.
5. Do not put pressure on yourself about your "lack" of prayer life. I am not saying Do Not Pray, but don't beat yourself up for the sudden change in your prayer life. I often try to give God my little gifts...diaper changes, late night feedings, jealous two year olds. Sometimes all I can pray during the day are the simple words, "I love you, Lord." If you can, nothing is better than making a holy hour with your new baby. I love just sitting in His presence and saying or doing nothing. Sometimes, I cry. I tell Him my worries and ask Him to mend my heart. I ask Him to be with each child during this time and let them feel loved by Him.
6. Just a random memory I have: Shortly after one of my babies, it was a day that all were squirly including myself. Instead of correcting everybody and lecturing them about this and that I said, "That's it. Everybody get an ice cream bar." Your faces were wonderful. We went and sat outside and the ice cream was medicine. I know you all were expecting me to lecture and were quite surprised. It was a wonderful memory and not the norm, but sometimes necessary during hectic times.
These are just simple things, but have proven to be very helpful to me. I hope they are helpful to you. I love you and will be here for you if God calls you to the vocation of motherhood.
I have been blessed during my life with many holy women who are dedicated to raising souls that God has entrusted them with. They see each new life given to them as a promotion.
My mother has always been a constant reminder that Mary, our Heavenly Mother pondered these things in her heart. I believe that each child God gives to us we are to stop and ponder. Ponder what fabulous miracle this new little body is. Ponder how each child was deigned by God even before your father and I knew of your existence. Ponder how God has plans for you already. Each child is meant to change you as a mother. Each child stretches your heart to love and to love deeper.
My very favorite quote from Mother Teresa "LOVE begins at Home. It is not How Much We Do, but how much LOVE we put into what we do." I had this on our refrigerator most of your childhood.
Here are a few basics that I adhered to after each new child given to us. My mother passed this wisdom to me. Her mother passed this wisdom to her.
1. Give yourself 3 months for the chaos to settle down. Expect it. It is normal. Mama has changed. The whole dynamics of the family has changed. Your father and I expect it after every baby. After three months, you will truly find it miraculous. You will say to yourself, "Things really seem to be calming down."
2. Expect nothing of yourself for the first six weeks. If you want to clean, clean. If you don't want to clean, don't clean. If you need to order pizza, order pizza. If you need to have the little ones watch a few extra movies, watch a few extra movies. Don't worry or stress about anything. Don't make this the time to judge if you are a good mother or not. You are tired. You are overwhelmed with gratitude for your new life. If you have weight to lose (like your mother), don't put pressure on yourself to get it off right away.
3. Remember your husband needs a break to. Your father and I try to go on a date shortly after we have a baby just so we can talk and look at each other. We've had the best talks and cries. I tell him my fears and he always calms me down and reassures me everything will be fine. Try to do small things to make him still feel so special even though you are completely consumed with the new baby.
4. After most of my babies, I feel a distance between me and my other children. It has helped me to take each of you on a date. It may be to Starbucks for a hot chocolate, or just along to the grocery store. I take this time to really focus on the child with me and to let them know how special and loved they still are to me.
4. Most women I talk to are so overwhelmed during the first three months after a baby, they feel as though they could never have another child. This isn't the time to be thinking of such decisions. Your life will settle down. This new person will very quickly become part of the rest of the crowd. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, over emotional, over tired, etc., etc. It is the map of this journey.
5. Do not put pressure on yourself about your "lack" of prayer life. I am not saying Do Not Pray, but don't beat yourself up for the sudden change in your prayer life. I often try to give God my little gifts...diaper changes, late night feedings, jealous two year olds. Sometimes all I can pray during the day are the simple words, "I love you, Lord." If you can, nothing is better than making a holy hour with your new baby. I love just sitting in His presence and saying or doing nothing. Sometimes, I cry. I tell Him my worries and ask Him to mend my heart. I ask Him to be with each child during this time and let them feel loved by Him.
6. Just a random memory I have: Shortly after one of my babies, it was a day that all were squirly including myself. Instead of correcting everybody and lecturing them about this and that I said, "That's it. Everybody get an ice cream bar." Your faces were wonderful. We went and sat outside and the ice cream was medicine. I know you all were expecting me to lecture and were quite surprised. It was a wonderful memory and not the norm, but sometimes necessary during hectic times.
These are just simple things, but have proven to be very helpful to me. I hope they are helpful to you. I love you and will be here for you if God calls you to the vocation of motherhood.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The MYTH of the SUPERMOM
I hear this term a lot passed around amongst my friends, on blogs, when I'm out with all my children, and especially in Hollywood. I always cringe a bit because this seems like such a bad term for the nature of the work we have been asked by God to do. Most would classify the term "supermom" has one is crafty, creative, gets things done, beautiful, skinny, never loses her patience, constantly involved in her child or childrens' lives, always has a fabulous meal ready, never has an unclean home or at the least has a perfect cleaning schedule which rotates nicely on a weekly basis, throws fabulous birthday parties, has her prayers said by 6:00 AM because a hot breakfast must be ready by 7:00, has managed to produce well-mannered children who NEVER act out, etc., etc. Basically, ONE WHO CAN DO IT ALL.
The pressure it puts on young mothers is dangerous. I had the extreme privilege of talking with a woman a couple days ago who buried her only daughter recently. I sat sobbing listening to this woman describe her grief and her current state. Where is super mom now? Where does this term leave her? She has been dealt the biggest cross that could be asked of a mother. Her world is crumbling. I sat staring at her in her beautiful Pottery Barn decorated home and all of it means nothing. Where does the term super mom leave my good friend whose oldest child is severely autistic and she has three little ones to care for a top of the intensity of dealing with beautiful Regina and her needs. Sarah is a saint. SHE is a supermom. She has no time to plan elaborate parties. She has no time for anything because for the rest of her earthly existence God has asked her and her husband to be holy parents to Regina and love her so patiently everyday. I am always edified by them and their joy. Where does it leave my cousin Jamie whose son has seizures several times a day. They average a trip to the E.R. around 3-4 times A WEEK because he stops breathing. He is almost five years old and has NEVER slept even remotely through the night. He screams most nights all night because of his seizures. Jamie and Nick have three other children. They are saints!
Where does the term leave mothers who struggle simply with self-doubt in their ability to mother small children or several children? The very nature of motherhood is sacrificial...a true gift of our body, mind, and soul. We give ourselves to each child from the moment of conception, throughout pregnancy, through labor and delivery and then the true work begins until the end of our days. We will never be the same. I will constantly wonder if I'm nurturing them enough, praying for them enough, making them feel special and loved enough, showing them the right way enough, telling them they are wonderful enough, being patient enough. There are so many avenues to take in this beautiful yet often unguided journey. Never before have you loved someone so intensely. I have met several mothers whose personalities don't clash with one or more of the children. There is a constant battle EVERY day trying to maintain just plain sanity in dealing with a difficult temperament. Where does this term leave them?
Once we begin to portray this perfect "mom-ness", then the hard part begins of maintaining perfect "mom-ness." What will they think of me? What if my once current state of perfection begins to slip? Then we begin our own "little Hollywood" of destruction. You see it time and time again. Stars who start out wholesome with good intentions and within a short while we are reading about how their life went south. Why? Why do people in "superness" usually burn out and go south? The pressure to maintain our status or their status is overwhelming and they start to compromise. When the new star is coming up and they are fading away, they and we panic. If our bumps and bruises begin to be exposed, what will we do?
Only through my early motherhood failures have I been humbled. I've never understood mothers who look down upon other mothers. When I hear someone comment about so and so saying they are "overwhelmed" or "not confident," my immediate reaction is sympathy. I've been there. My goal now is to be positively real. I never want to portray life in such a way that our grass never needs cut, every family picture turns out just right because our kids smile when they are told, our kids never disobey, I'm never overwhelmed or even remotely tempted with impatience. I handle every situation with calmness and love. What will happen when my Calvary hits, when I'm being nailed to the cross?
The Blessed Mother is the ultimate supermom. She is what every woman should be. She was afraid. If you have ever seen how she was portrayed in the Passion of Christ, you will remember her fear, her tears, her sorrow. Then we will remember her getting strength to do what she has been asked to do. To stand at the foot of the cross and hold her Son. That is superness. Her beauty was outwardly, but more importantly she had a heart toward Our Lord. That alone is superness. Once again, I encourage all mothers to realize your true beauty lies only in your heart. You brought a soul into the world, brought them to the waters of baptism, and are trying every day to love this person through difficult temperments, trials, and tribulations! You are being a supermom! You are giving of your body with each baby to be subject to weight gain, sleepless nights, worry of health of the baby throughout pregnancy! You are a super person! The world fights LIFE with all its being! Nothing is more under attack! The very fact that you are open to LIFE puts you in a completely different category! Let us fight the good fight, finish the race, and keep our faith!
(For clarification sake, I spend a great amount of time pouring over Pottery Barn catalogs, decorating our home, planning birthday parties, reading blogs about what people do to their homes, etc., etc. BUT, I hope by no means it is a measure of what type of mother I am. I hope by the end of my life I have spent more time reflecting upon our Lady then on Pottery Barn and the efficiency of how well my home runs. That is the goal!:)
The pressure it puts on young mothers is dangerous. I had the extreme privilege of talking with a woman a couple days ago who buried her only daughter recently. I sat sobbing listening to this woman describe her grief and her current state. Where is super mom now? Where does this term leave her? She has been dealt the biggest cross that could be asked of a mother. Her world is crumbling. I sat staring at her in her beautiful Pottery Barn decorated home and all of it means nothing. Where does the term super mom leave my good friend whose oldest child is severely autistic and she has three little ones to care for a top of the intensity of dealing with beautiful Regina and her needs. Sarah is a saint. SHE is a supermom. She has no time to plan elaborate parties. She has no time for anything because for the rest of her earthly existence God has asked her and her husband to be holy parents to Regina and love her so patiently everyday. I am always edified by them and their joy. Where does it leave my cousin Jamie whose son has seizures several times a day. They average a trip to the E.R. around 3-4 times A WEEK because he stops breathing. He is almost five years old and has NEVER slept even remotely through the night. He screams most nights all night because of his seizures. Jamie and Nick have three other children. They are saints!
Where does the term leave mothers who struggle simply with self-doubt in their ability to mother small children or several children? The very nature of motherhood is sacrificial...a true gift of our body, mind, and soul. We give ourselves to each child from the moment of conception, throughout pregnancy, through labor and delivery and then the true work begins until the end of our days. We will never be the same. I will constantly wonder if I'm nurturing them enough, praying for them enough, making them feel special and loved enough, showing them the right way enough, telling them they are wonderful enough, being patient enough. There are so many avenues to take in this beautiful yet often unguided journey. Never before have you loved someone so intensely. I have met several mothers whose personalities don't clash with one or more of the children. There is a constant battle EVERY day trying to maintain just plain sanity in dealing with a difficult temperament. Where does this term leave them?
Once we begin to portray this perfect "mom-ness", then the hard part begins of maintaining perfect "mom-ness." What will they think of me? What if my once current state of perfection begins to slip? Then we begin our own "little Hollywood" of destruction. You see it time and time again. Stars who start out wholesome with good intentions and within a short while we are reading about how their life went south. Why? Why do people in "superness" usually burn out and go south? The pressure to maintain our status or their status is overwhelming and they start to compromise. When the new star is coming up and they are fading away, they and we panic. If our bumps and bruises begin to be exposed, what will we do?
Only through my early motherhood failures have I been humbled. I've never understood mothers who look down upon other mothers. When I hear someone comment about so and so saying they are "overwhelmed" or "not confident," my immediate reaction is sympathy. I've been there. My goal now is to be positively real. I never want to portray life in such a way that our grass never needs cut, every family picture turns out just right because our kids smile when they are told, our kids never disobey, I'm never overwhelmed or even remotely tempted with impatience. I handle every situation with calmness and love. What will happen when my Calvary hits, when I'm being nailed to the cross?
The Blessed Mother is the ultimate supermom. She is what every woman should be. She was afraid. If you have ever seen how she was portrayed in the Passion of Christ, you will remember her fear, her tears, her sorrow. Then we will remember her getting strength to do what she has been asked to do. To stand at the foot of the cross and hold her Son. That is superness. Her beauty was outwardly, but more importantly she had a heart toward Our Lord. That alone is superness. Once again, I encourage all mothers to realize your true beauty lies only in your heart. You brought a soul into the world, brought them to the waters of baptism, and are trying every day to love this person through difficult temperments, trials, and tribulations! You are being a supermom! You are giving of your body with each baby to be subject to weight gain, sleepless nights, worry of health of the baby throughout pregnancy! You are a super person! The world fights LIFE with all its being! Nothing is more under attack! The very fact that you are open to LIFE puts you in a completely different category! Let us fight the good fight, finish the race, and keep our faith!
(For clarification sake, I spend a great amount of time pouring over Pottery Barn catalogs, decorating our home, planning birthday parties, reading blogs about what people do to their homes, etc., etc. BUT, I hope by no means it is a measure of what type of mother I am. I hope by the end of my life I have spent more time reflecting upon our Lady then on Pottery Barn and the efficiency of how well my home runs. That is the goal!:)
Thursday, March 18, 2010
If it works...do it!
My sister-in-law and her husband just had their first child a week and a half ago. We saw them last week after mass and we were discussing many important baby issues. Sleeping, pacifiers, bouncy chairs, and nursing. She was telling me how well Mary sleeps in her bouncy chair. So well, that she is only getting up maybe two times at night. She was thrilled that Mary was sleeping so well, but was concerned that she shouldn't start this habit of sleeping in the bouncy chair. I reassured her that it is just fine and for heaven's sakes, "If it works, do it."
I wish I would have had this wisdom before I had children. My mother and grandmother gave me a great piece of advice (that I didn't follow),
"Do NOT read anything!"
I thought that was absurd and a little irresponsible. So, I read everything and made myself so confused about sleeping, pacifiers, bouncy chairs, and nursing. Everybody has a different take. My mom grew up in the school of ONLY put a baby to sleep on his stomach, but now at the HOSPITAL you pretty much have to take an oath that you will NEVER put a baby to sleep on his stomach. A friend invited me to a La Leche League meeting before I had Dominic. I really didn't know what LLL was so I went. The topic at that meeting was why you shouldn't use pacifiers and why you should nurse whenever, wherever. It made sense so I decided to not use pacifiers.
I read that you should never start any habit unless you intend it to be the norm. For example, never co-sleep with your baby because he will never sleep in his own bed. Don't let them fall asleep in the swing because they will get use to the motion. Keep them on a strict schedule or they will always be cranky and unmanageable.
I did all this with Dominic and wished I never had. Dominic (and the rest of my babies) liked to sleep only on their stomach. I remember crying one night when we brought Lillie home from the hospital because she would only sleep well on her stomach. I kept flipping her over on her back and she would wake up immediately and never get into a sound sleep. Once I would flip her over on her belly, she would sleep great. BUT, they told us to never do that. My sister finally said, "Lindsay, God is not going to take your baby because of a certain sleeping position. If He wants her to be in heaven, He will take her regardless." It really helped me although I am still a Nervous Nelly the first couple months with a newborn's sleeping habits.
Dominic needed and wanted a pacifier. I would nurse him and then 15 minutes later he would be fussy. The poor guy just needed a binki. BUT NO, the LLL meeting said that YOU should be the one to comfort him so that is what I did. I think I nursed all over Nebraska and Oklahoma for 12 months. Lesson learned. I now find great delight in picking out their pacifiers! Side note, I have nothing against LLL, but merely trying to state how I was so influenced by the differing opinions.
Dominic was not a good sleeper at first, but developed into a great sleeper. I would nurse him and then put him right back in his bed like the books said because I didn't want him getting use to our bed. I attributed this habit to him becoming a great sleeper. With my next children, they all slept in bed with us off and on for a year and they are all good sleepers. So that theory isn't true.
I thought all of these issues would determine if I was a good mother or a bad mother. I forgot that they weren't moral issues and didn't concern his soul AT ALL. So, my advice to my sister-in-law, "If it works, do it" Let her sleep in her bouncer if she sleeps. Give the baby a pacifier if they want it and you don't mind it. If you and your husband want the baby in your bed and it's working, do it. Sure, you may have habits to break in the future, but I am learning that most habits can be broken when the mother is ready to stick with it and break it.
I told my good friend the other day that I feel like my time with them is like an hour glass and the sand is constantly running and soon it will be out. I feel these years and days going so fast. I think one has to go through the early stages of motherhood to get to the point of being able to relax. We all have to carve out our own path and find what works for us and our family. I pray that I never tell my daughters or daughters-in-law how something should be done. I don't think my way is the right way, just what works for us. I have only learned that recently. I am not saying that the kids should run the household or dictate how things should go. Personally, I am a big fan of the parents being the parent and the kids being the kid. We do have many rules in our home, we work diligently on manners, we have schedules, bedtimes, and routines, they aren't allowed to be sassy to us, they must ask our permission for most things, we demand respect to John and I and also their siblings, I am constantly reminding the girls "to please act like a lady" but I am working on not expecting perfection and we are both works in progress.
When we began homeschooling, I once again adhered to all the rules and regulations I had heard and read for the hundreds of people I consulted. Once again, I should have followed my own instincts and just listened to John. I am now much more relaxed when it comes to our schooling. I am not disturbed when we take days off just to go thrift store shopping. Dominic loves it! He and I did this yesterday and it was pure joy. We went to his favorite store "The Dollar Tree." He had a whole dollar to spend. I let him take all the time he wanted to roam every aisle and decide what to purchase. He went back and forth between blue plastic police men and a water gun. Oh, the decisions! Finally after an hour, he settled on the blue police men. What is beautiful is that he has no idea how I stood and watched him. I "acted" busy, but was truly only there to watch him. I made sure I paid attention to every question and answered them very seriously. You know like, "Mom, Do you think that the police man with the megaphone is the captain?" I would seriously think about my answer and respond appropriately. Vianney and Zellie needed to head home for their naps so I told him we better get going. He came up to me and said, "I hope I wasn't causing you any trouble. I hope it wasn't hard on you to wait for me pick out my toy. I kept watching you and you were smiling so I thought we had enough time."
Little does he know. I reassured him that everything was just fine and it was by no means any trouble. He will never know how sweet his face was. He will never know how time stopped and I looked down at him in awe of his generosity of heart and thoughtfulness of me. He will never know how everyone listening to our conversation was smiling at him. He will never know how my heart was melting when he was talking to me about his concerns and decisions. Thank you, Lord for today. Thank you for homeschooling ME. Thank you for the time spent with him and the girls. Thank you for letting me relax when in the past I would probably have never of gone thrift store hunting because it might disrupt our schedule or be during nap times.
The time with our children is precious and very short lived. I really want to be very selective how I spend my time away from them and with what I am involved in. Just enjoy them, love them, and do your best. Ask our Lord to guide you, tell Him your heart and your worries. The point of this post is that there really aren't any "wrong" decisions when it comes to parenting if your whole goal is their soul. You will not be penalized on judgment day for pacifiers, bouncy chairs, and nursing habits. God sees into your heart. Even if they go down the wrong path, it is all part of HIS big plan and picture from all eternity. Many great saints came from very ugly beginnings. St. Monica was made a saint because of her wayward son, Augustine. I just told a good friend "Our job is to be home forming and to love them. The results are up to God."
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Why most families have 2 children.
This could end up being a controversial post, but not intended to be. The average American household size is 2.5 persons with the average household having .90 children. Wow! When I looked up this statistic tonight, I was shocked by the number. The number of children per household has drastically fallen since I last checked about 10 years ago.
Not until I had children did I ever understand why people only had two children. In my dreamy world, I grew up wanting hundreds of children. Truly. I dreamed of a home full of children and babies. I didn't understand the realities of motherhood at all. I didn't know what it felt like to have morning sickness. I didn't understand how pregnancy is hard for most people and very scary at times. I didn't know what it felt like to be up all night for several weeks at a time with a new baby only to be woken in the morning by a very rested 2 and 3-year old. I never thought about those things. I didn't know what the pain felt like to hover over a sick child worried to death. I didn't know what it felt like to continually ponder a child's future and formation. You see, I was confident and ignorant. Then, I had children.
I had my first child and fell desperately in love. Like most mothers with their first, I was meticulous about everything. I made sure I read to him 40 hours a day, taught him baby sign language, made all his baby food, took him outside everyday, and read every parenting book to make sure that I wasn't messing him up for life. Looking back though, I was very overwhelmed. You see, when a woman gets married and has children, the life you once knew has now completely changed. Your life is not your own anymore...forever. You are now responsible for entire human being. I remember thinking when he was sick for the first time, "If I don't take him to the doctor, nobody will." You have to make serious decisions about things like vaccinations, schooling options, medicated or unmedicated birth, allergies, parenting techniques (i.e. to spank or not to spank), sleeping troubles, temper tantrums, eating issues, etc., etc. There is no barometer in motherhood. You do not get a medal at the end of the day that says, "Well done, you handled that fit well" or "Well done, you chose wisely on the vaccination decision" or "Great diaper change!" So, for the first time in lives of most women you are faced with a scenario that makes most feel like they started preschool again only this time the textbooks are on the level of your post-doctorate.
It seems around the 2-year mark, most people venture out and have another child. BAM! ENTER... why most people never go beyond this point of having more than two children. Yes, I know, some say it is for other reasons i.e. financial, challenging pregnancies and even scary pregnancies. Although, when you get into deep conversation with a woman, you see the longing and the loneliness on her heart for more children. She may not even know it. For me, I had my first child whom I gave ALL MY ATTENTION. I then had another child WHOM I FELT AS THOUGH I HAD TO GIVE ALL MY ATTENTION. This truly was an impossible task. Who can do that? I remember when I would go anywhere I would make sure I had army of people to help. Truly. I admired mothers of large families and felt so inadequate next to them. I would be at the zoo with my two children and six of my sisters to hold each of their arms and legs and possibly breathe for them...if they needed that. Then, I would see mothers of ten children...GET THIS...BY THEMSELF AT THE ZOO...and actually smiling. When we lived in Oklahoma, I would pack enough toys for the eight hour drive so that they would have something new to look at every 2.3 minutes. It was ridiculous. At mass, we would bring a buffet so that not a moment would go by that HOUR that he wasn't eating or looking at something. I would NEVER drive anywhere more than an hour by myself because HE MIGHT CRY OR SOMETHING and that just isn't right.
It is the first time in motherhood you are experiencing a toddler and then also having a new baby. My mom always says that most babies become normal at their one year birthday. Meaning, I have seen it time and time again. You have this sweet, beautiful, innocent baby who does everything he is supposed to for his first year of life and then...something happens. They start developing opinions. How dare they start thinking for themselves? Suddenly, they throw fits in public, arch their back, lay on the floor, climb on everything, go fishing in the toilet, become a picky eater. They are a mess and you are mess. I remember one of my dear friends crying at her sons baby pictures because he had morphed into some sort of something his second year of life. Never before are you faced with constant decisions on how to handle the octopus that now lives in your home. On top of that, you have a new baby who decides that the middle of the night is his favorite hot spot. Side note, the toddler whom has been sleeping in the other room for 13 hours didn't get the memo and still wakes up for party time at 6:00 AM. How come he didn't know that you just fell asleep around 5:30 AM?
Really, who would do this again and again? You are so tired and overwhelmed that you know that God doesn't want someone to exist in such a way. You will say, "I'm not being a good mom to the two I have, why would I have more?" "I can't imagine feeling this way the rest of my life." "I can use my talents in much more productive ways besides having more children." "I was much more patient before I had children." "I am of no use to anyone in such a state." This little voice in your head is not from God. It is the devil trying to discourage you from THE MOST IMPORTANT WORK you will ever do.
You see, like every new job something begins to change after two children (some say three children, but most say two). You begin to settle into your new job. All your little fears and questions really aren't present anymore. You start seeing trends with your children and know that usually "this too shall pass." You begin to have a peaceful acceptance of your promotion and begin to look at it as such. How come I felt more overwhelmed with one than I do with six children? How come I wouldn't think much about driving 8 hours by myself with all of my children, but a few short years ago, I wouldn't have driven 30 minutes with one? How come I will drive to see my mom three hours away and each child will only bring one book to look at and be content the whole drive when in the past they had a toy for every 5 minutes and most trips were very hairy and stressful?
YOU BEGIN TO CHANGE. You begin to see each child very differently. You begin to look at your oldest as not being five-years-old, but as only having 13 years left at home and that takes on a whole new perspective. You start cherishing their baby hood and know that most things are phases. You start realizing how fast it really is going and you start to slow down. You know that they will eventually sleep and even if they don't, it suddenly and weirdly becomes "okay." Why does that happen? When I just had Dominic and was getting up with him in the middle of the night, I truly was the most tired person in America. Really. I would take two naps a day because I thought I was so tired. You adjust. I don't feel anymore tired now than I did with just one. You just keep going and God keeps you going. A very wise mother of nine told me, "The days are long and the years are short." I want to change it to "Some days are long, but to me the years are way too short." You begin to see things changing from one season to the next, and you start to change. You will say, "Just last summer, he loved to ride his bike outside, now he is more quiet and wants to stay inside while we go out."
You see, these are the lessons in the school of motherhood. With each new child, you are promoted. God chips away at us and refines us and makes us beautiful. Why are mothers of large families edifying? Why do we want to be near them? Do not misunderstand my words that mothers of two children have nothing to teach us. That is not what I am saying. What I am saying that with any job, usually the person whom has been there the longest and has the most experience is pretty wise.
There are those who want children and can't conceive. Are people not wise unless they have children and especially "lots" of them? No, not at all. Everybody has something to teach us. I am not here to pat myself on the back (I am still a work in much progress). I am here to encourage and simply say keep going. The world tells you to stop. My whole point is simply that if you are blessed with the gift of fertility, please let us see it as such. If for some reason, God decides not to give us anymore children, I pray that we use our lives to glorify Him in whatever avenue he chooses to take us down. I have many friends and family members whom have not been given children yet, but glorify God beautifully through their lives with their openness to adoption and other great works.
I write to encourage young and older mothers to keep going. One more life. One more soul. A whole new person. The possibilities in one person are breathtaking. I meet so many women who wished they would have had more children, but I've never met a woman who wished they didn't have so many. God gave women the gift of fertility really for a few short years in the perspective of a lifetime. I pray that I treasure this gift and use it wisely.
My brother Dominic was born seventh in our family. Little did my parents know that a few 18 years later, he would be caring for my father during his last days on this earth. The scenes I saw with Dominic and my dad still make me cry. To see a young, strapping 18-year-old lift his crippled father into his wheel chair all the while giving him such beautiful dignity. I would see Dominic turn and cry so often. It was so moving. What a gift and privilege Dominic had to take care of him. John's uncle Fran is the third youngest of twelve children. He is a physician and has spent many years doing mission work in Australia for the poorest of poor. He has repaired peoples lives with his gift of medicine. He has restored vision and hearing to hundreds. One life, his life, has changed many lives. I believe all work is important, but nothing is more important than bringing souls to this earth with the possibility of eternal existence with God forever.
I beg you to realize how privileged you are as a woman to even have children. Let us give God our whole beings without reserve and let Him write the story of our lives and the lives he chooses to bring. For some reason, God does not let us know the end of the story of our lives. So we must trust. As Mother Teresa said, "I want to be a pencil in his hand."
Not until I had children did I ever understand why people only had two children. In my dreamy world, I grew up wanting hundreds of children. Truly. I dreamed of a home full of children and babies. I didn't understand the realities of motherhood at all. I didn't know what it felt like to have morning sickness. I didn't understand how pregnancy is hard for most people and very scary at times. I didn't know what it felt like to be up all night for several weeks at a time with a new baby only to be woken in the morning by a very rested 2 and 3-year old. I never thought about those things. I didn't know what the pain felt like to hover over a sick child worried to death. I didn't know what it felt like to continually ponder a child's future and formation. You see, I was confident and ignorant. Then, I had children.
I had my first child and fell desperately in love. Like most mothers with their first, I was meticulous about everything. I made sure I read to him 40 hours a day, taught him baby sign language, made all his baby food, took him outside everyday, and read every parenting book to make sure that I wasn't messing him up for life. Looking back though, I was very overwhelmed. You see, when a woman gets married and has children, the life you once knew has now completely changed. Your life is not your own anymore...forever. You are now responsible for entire human being. I remember thinking when he was sick for the first time, "If I don't take him to the doctor, nobody will." You have to make serious decisions about things like vaccinations, schooling options, medicated or unmedicated birth, allergies, parenting techniques (i.e. to spank or not to spank), sleeping troubles, temper tantrums, eating issues, etc., etc. There is no barometer in motherhood. You do not get a medal at the end of the day that says, "Well done, you handled that fit well" or "Well done, you chose wisely on the vaccination decision" or "Great diaper change!" So, for the first time in lives of most women you are faced with a scenario that makes most feel like they started preschool again only this time the textbooks are on the level of your post-doctorate.
It seems around the 2-year mark, most people venture out and have another child. BAM! ENTER... why most people never go beyond this point of having more than two children. Yes, I know, some say it is for other reasons i.e. financial, challenging pregnancies and even scary pregnancies. Although, when you get into deep conversation with a woman, you see the longing and the loneliness on her heart for more children. She may not even know it. For me, I had my first child whom I gave ALL MY ATTENTION. I then had another child WHOM I FELT AS THOUGH I HAD TO GIVE ALL MY ATTENTION. This truly was an impossible task. Who can do that? I remember when I would go anywhere I would make sure I had army of people to help. Truly. I admired mothers of large families and felt so inadequate next to them. I would be at the zoo with my two children and six of my sisters to hold each of their arms and legs and possibly breathe for them...if they needed that. Then, I would see mothers of ten children...GET THIS...BY THEMSELF AT THE ZOO...and actually smiling. When we lived in Oklahoma, I would pack enough toys for the eight hour drive so that they would have something new to look at every 2.3 minutes. It was ridiculous. At mass, we would bring a buffet so that not a moment would go by that HOUR that he wasn't eating or looking at something. I would NEVER drive anywhere more than an hour by myself because HE MIGHT CRY OR SOMETHING and that just isn't right.
It is the first time in motherhood you are experiencing a toddler and then also having a new baby. My mom always says that most babies become normal at their one year birthday. Meaning, I have seen it time and time again. You have this sweet, beautiful, innocent baby who does everything he is supposed to for his first year of life and then...something happens. They start developing opinions. How dare they start thinking for themselves? Suddenly, they throw fits in public, arch their back, lay on the floor, climb on everything, go fishing in the toilet, become a picky eater. They are a mess and you are mess. I remember one of my dear friends crying at her sons baby pictures because he had morphed into some sort of something his second year of life. Never before are you faced with constant decisions on how to handle the octopus that now lives in your home. On top of that, you have a new baby who decides that the middle of the night is his favorite hot spot. Side note, the toddler whom has been sleeping in the other room for 13 hours didn't get the memo and still wakes up for party time at 6:00 AM. How come he didn't know that you just fell asleep around 5:30 AM?
Really, who would do this again and again? You are so tired and overwhelmed that you know that God doesn't want someone to exist in such a way. You will say, "I'm not being a good mom to the two I have, why would I have more?" "I can't imagine feeling this way the rest of my life." "I can use my talents in much more productive ways besides having more children." "I was much more patient before I had children." "I am of no use to anyone in such a state." This little voice in your head is not from God. It is the devil trying to discourage you from THE MOST IMPORTANT WORK you will ever do.
You see, like every new job something begins to change after two children (some say three children, but most say two). You begin to settle into your new job. All your little fears and questions really aren't present anymore. You start seeing trends with your children and know that usually "this too shall pass." You begin to have a peaceful acceptance of your promotion and begin to look at it as such. How come I felt more overwhelmed with one than I do with six children? How come I wouldn't think much about driving 8 hours by myself with all of my children, but a few short years ago, I wouldn't have driven 30 minutes with one? How come I will drive to see my mom three hours away and each child will only bring one book to look at and be content the whole drive when in the past they had a toy for every 5 minutes and most trips were very hairy and stressful?
YOU BEGIN TO CHANGE. You begin to see each child very differently. You begin to look at your oldest as not being five-years-old, but as only having 13 years left at home and that takes on a whole new perspective. You start cherishing their baby hood and know that most things are phases. You start realizing how fast it really is going and you start to slow down. You know that they will eventually sleep and even if they don't, it suddenly and weirdly becomes "okay." Why does that happen? When I just had Dominic and was getting up with him in the middle of the night, I truly was the most tired person in America. Really. I would take two naps a day because I thought I was so tired. You adjust. I don't feel anymore tired now than I did with just one. You just keep going and God keeps you going. A very wise mother of nine told me, "The days are long and the years are short." I want to change it to "Some days are long, but to me the years are way too short." You begin to see things changing from one season to the next, and you start to change. You will say, "Just last summer, he loved to ride his bike outside, now he is more quiet and wants to stay inside while we go out."
You see, these are the lessons in the school of motherhood. With each new child, you are promoted. God chips away at us and refines us and makes us beautiful. Why are mothers of large families edifying? Why do we want to be near them? Do not misunderstand my words that mothers of two children have nothing to teach us. That is not what I am saying. What I am saying that with any job, usually the person whom has been there the longest and has the most experience is pretty wise.
There are those who want children and can't conceive. Are people not wise unless they have children and especially "lots" of them? No, not at all. Everybody has something to teach us. I am not here to pat myself on the back (I am still a work in much progress). I am here to encourage and simply say keep going. The world tells you to stop. My whole point is simply that if you are blessed with the gift of fertility, please let us see it as such. If for some reason, God decides not to give us anymore children, I pray that we use our lives to glorify Him in whatever avenue he chooses to take us down. I have many friends and family members whom have not been given children yet, but glorify God beautifully through their lives with their openness to adoption and other great works.
I write to encourage young and older mothers to keep going. One more life. One more soul. A whole new person. The possibilities in one person are breathtaking. I meet so many women who wished they would have had more children, but I've never met a woman who wished they didn't have so many. God gave women the gift of fertility really for a few short years in the perspective of a lifetime. I pray that I treasure this gift and use it wisely.
My brother Dominic was born seventh in our family. Little did my parents know that a few 18 years later, he would be caring for my father during his last days on this earth. The scenes I saw with Dominic and my dad still make me cry. To see a young, strapping 18-year-old lift his crippled father into his wheel chair all the while giving him such beautiful dignity. I would see Dominic turn and cry so often. It was so moving. What a gift and privilege Dominic had to take care of him. John's uncle Fran is the third youngest of twelve children. He is a physician and has spent many years doing mission work in Australia for the poorest of poor. He has repaired peoples lives with his gift of medicine. He has restored vision and hearing to hundreds. One life, his life, has changed many lives. I believe all work is important, but nothing is more important than bringing souls to this earth with the possibility of eternal existence with God forever.
I beg you to realize how privileged you are as a woman to even have children. Let us give God our whole beings without reserve and let Him write the story of our lives and the lives he chooses to bring. For some reason, God does not let us know the end of the story of our lives. So we must trust. As Mother Teresa said, "I want to be a pencil in his hand."
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