Sunday, January 30, 2011

To my dear Rose...(sigh)

Dear Rose,

I will probably tell you most of your life how sorry I am I haven't documented your daily life. I promise it wasn't on purpose. You have been a beautiful dream and miracle since we very first heard of your existence. Let me tell your story.

Dominic told me at breakfast one morning that he wanted to pray for Mama's new baby. It took me back a bit because Lillie was seven months old and still nursing. I decided to take a pregnancy test and to my delight saw two lines. I couldn't wait to tell your father. John came home for lunch and we rejoiced together. I was thrilled to be pregnant and smiled that Lillie would have a sibling close in age. About three weeks later, I started spotting one morning and by that evening we miscarried little Benedict Joseph. We saw his little body. We were so very sad. Four short weeks later, I found out I was expecting...and it was YOU. Beautiful YOU.


There is so much to be said about miscarriage. Who was that baby? If I had never lost Benedict, I would never know you. How could I have never known you? I could tell you were sweet in the womb. I wrote on your ultrasound picture "Sweet baby." You moved gently. You kicked softly. You were already sweet. Lillie was still so sick at the time with numerous doctor's visits each week. I was so nervous how all this would work. John in school, three little people, and a very sick child. God is so good.


I went into labor with you the night before your due date. I labored through the night at home and we headed to the hospital in the morning. I was dilated to a five almost six when we got to the hospital. Your Aunt Megan was very sick with cancer at the time so I felt very motivated to offer my labor for her without pain medicine. I put together a little album with ten slots, one for each centimeter. I put a picture of each person I was offering that centimeter for. I will never forget your labor and delivery. Your papa almost delivered you because it was only the two of us in the room until the nurse flew in the door at the last second to catch you. It was awesome. You were even born on your due date. Perfect from the beginning!

I remember seeing you for the first time like it was five minutes ago. Breath-taking! Don't tell your siblings...you were my prettiest newborn. Your face was incredible. You were perfect! You had black hair and fat little cheeks. I couldn't believe it and the best part is that you were mine. Dominic and Lillie were very fussy babies so we held are breath to see what temperament God had given to you. We waited...



You never cried. Ever. You changed my motherhood. After two fussy babies, my confidence in my abilities was about zero. I knew it was something I was doing wrong, but then God gave me you. You really did change my life. I was so proud of you. You were chubby, happy, and were content to just be alive. I hadn't documented much of your babyhood because during that first year of your life Megan died, my father died, John graduated and we moved twice. It was a crazy year. Please know that everything you did was close to my heart. We delighted in having you. Your father and I still talk say, "And then there was Rose...sigh." Even Mechie says, "and then there is Rose." We ALL adore you.
You still continue to be wonderful. I even tell people that even your hair grew in perfect. It is long, beautiful, and blond. We call you the universal friend. You are everybody's friend old and young. Every older person loves you. Every baby loves you. Every little kid loves you.

You celebrated your 5th birthday in November. HOW are you five? Please don't have any more birthdays and always stay five. You are the perfect friend, sister, daughter, helper, student, etc., etc. Really. Everyone who meets you, loves you.

Mechie use to sing a song to me that went,
"To Know, know, know you, is to love, love, love you."
When I think of you, I think of this song. To know you, is to love you. You are pure sweetness still. You have an inner holiness that is very noticeable. You delight and pride yourself on being good. You will tell me, "I prayed for you last night." I will hear you say to your siblings, "Remember, we are going to listen to mom right away today."

Your best traits are your properness, cheerfulness, and contentment. You rarely ask to do anything. You just play. You compliment me all day.

I worry about you because of your allergies. You are severally allergic to all kinds of nuts. You are usually good about asking, but I still worry. Your skin is very dry. I have tried all kinds of lotions, ointments, etc. It makes me sad you get so itchy and I can't help you.



Montessori has been a perfect fit for you. You have blossomed. Jeannie told me what a delight you are. She said you are "Industrious" and quite the leader in the classroom. I wish I would have caught on camera how darling you were last week telling me that the coffee at school was empty and you had the opportunity to make more and serve Jeannie her coffee. You were literally coming out of your skin with excitement. Precious. You walked in the door exasperated and said, "MOM, the coffee was out!" I couldn't figure out for a second why you were so excited. You then went on to say if it is out a student gets to make more and serve the director. Adorable.

Rose, I am so very grateful for you. Thank you for being born. Thank you for waking up each day and for being wonderful. Thank you for being my daughter and trying hard each day to get better and improve your little self. Thank you for being a good older sister and for caring so gently for Vianney. She loves you. I love when you call her Irene. You will say, "Mama, Irene wants to give you an Irene hug." Then you say, "Mom, why does Irene give the best hugs." I love and see all the you do to help me. I have watched you fold your clothes in your drawers without being told. I am so proud of your reading. You love the American Girl dolls, Sissi, and all princesses. You L.O.V.E to dance all day. It moves in your soul. I have looked several times in my rear view mirror to see you singing with your eyes closed. Music fills your soul. You color me a picture every day. You sign it "To Mom. Love, Rose." I have saved all of them. You have started saying to me every night, "Good night. Have another baby. I love you." You are very into vocabulary right always asking me what such and such means.



I was practicing piano with you tonight, but was really watching you. You were counting very forcefully to yourself and trying so hard to get it perfect. Oh, I just love you.

7 comments :

  1. were you bawling as you wrote this? I would be. I hope my 3rd, Quinn, is this agreeable and wonderful. Hope God provides a babysitter for you in the next few weeks for HOA. It won't be the same without you.

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  2. Lindsay, I always enjoy reading your beautiful mother-words. :)

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  3. She is so sweet! I love when she says, "Goodnight. Have another baby. I love you!" It made me smile and giggle with the excitement she is thinking about with another baby. Please, please, please come to HOA!! I am praying God brings a babysitter for you! I am bringing my sweet Audrey. She has grown to 11 pounds in 4 months!! You will want to bite her..I just know it. Miss you!

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  4. That is another sweet sweet message. You are an incredible mom Lindsay and I am so happy to read about your family and beautiful kids. I hope to see you and your family one day soon. I would be in tears actually seeing you all since it has been so long and then thinking of all the great posts that have sent me enjoyment and smiles. These posts are so special.....

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  5. Just wanted to stop in and say I LOVE your blog. It is such a breath of fresh air and helps me remember why I love being a mom. You are such an inspiration:)

    On a note about dry skin for your daughter. Look for a lotion with out mineral oil. Mineral oil is occlusive and doesn't allow the ingredients to penetrate the skin or help cure the dryness. Thus only perpetuating the problem.

    I work for a natural skin care company (arbonne) and I would love to send you some great kids lotion for you to try.

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  6. Elizabeth,
    Thanks so much for writing to me. I also very much appreciate you suggesting Arbonne. I would love to try it. I have heard fabulous things about the company. God bless.

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