Thursday, March 3, 2016

God's Providential Delay

From my daily devotional this morning:

 "God in His healing mercy often requires PATIENCE from us, but we creatures of time want our comfort right away.  We would steal his lordship of time.  The Father is wise, and knows not only what to give but when to give.

It is a common theme in Shakespeare, PROVIDENTIAL delay.

He knows what will bring us the most joy, in the fullness of time."

I last wrote about my mother's scan showing a new tumor.  They planned to rescan that following week, but she developed pneumonia so everything was pushed back until this week.  They rescanned this past Monday and biopsy on Tuesday.  The biopsy showed two new tumors instead of the original one discovered a couple weeks ago.  We have all held out hope so much that the tumor was just scar tissue, but knowing that a new tumor has already grown pretty much rules that out.  We meet for the biopsy/scan report on March 9th.

My dearest, most wonderful friend in all of the world. How can we be here?  I have cried my eyes swollen so many countless nights.  I have thrown every last bit at God asking Him to please spare your life.

Shortly after this news, I began to count the costs.  I have every temptation to type out every cross that has come our way this year right here, right now.  But, I won't and can't.  It is not about me, it is about Christ.  I had forgotten that and I added it all up for my grand total of suffering this year.  It became about me.  It is all about HIM.  I had taken my eyes off the one I love most and looked at myself and began to drown like Peter.

You asked those dearest my heart this year.  I know we are made for heaven, but our time seems to have been cut short.  I have so many questions I need to ask her.  I want her to see our children grow.  I want her to see the fruits of her prayer and sacrifices manifested in her children, grandchildren, and all those she has prayed for.

But, that might not be God's will for her here.  The hardest part of accepting that which you fear most is knowing how to live day to day.  I place my life in your hands, but how do I radiate your joy to the world? 

I came downstairs this morning and just watched her.  She was sipping coffee listening to Lillie play the piano.  I was frozen. 

We stayed up until the wee hours of the morning talking together.  I finally tucked her in and looked back to see her smiling at me.  It couldn't help but blurt out, "I am going to miss you so very much." When someone you love is sick, you eagerly push all your feelings aside to be positive and soley focused on their emotions that any pain that you encounter is shoved aside because it pails in comparison to their pain.  I couldn't help but say it. 

This picture popped up on my facebook feed as a memory from two years ago.  She was in the hospital at the time for pneumonia.  This was before cancer.  This picture came the day after her scan.  I couldn't help but think how fitting to show her with that big heart.  She loves so deeply, specifically her children.  She has fought, battled, and waged war for our souls.  What a heavenly mother we were given to be so focused on getting us to such wonderfulness. 
My brother sent this video to all of us today and I thought it explained my good mother so well.
It is well worth the 6 minutes of your life to understand our mission here on earth specifically towards our loved ones.








18 comments :

  1. I am so sorry. I don't know what to say but you and your mom are dear to me and often in my thoughts and prayers even though I only "know" you from your blog. I'll make a note and be in prayer for her, and you all, on the 9th and I'll be praying at Mass too - this Sunday is mothering Sunday in the UK,which seems especially appropriate xxx

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  2. I'm so sorry. I don't know if I mentioned it to you before or not, but there is a clinical trial offered at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, MD. I participated last summer, and it WORKED for me--my tumors are shrinking. I am not cured, yet, but I have reached clinical response. I am no longer on chemo, and I feel as though a medical miracle was given to me. This is a link to the trial: https://clinicaltrials.gov/ct2/show/record/NCT01174121 I blogged about my experience here: cancerRiot.blogspot.com Please know that your Mom is in my prayers.

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  3. I think of my mothers final days in the hospital as her martyrdom, and our too, the ones who loved her. We would have all traded places with her. Hardest was praying so hard and watching it happen. Hardest was seeing the most giving person we knew going through horrible suffering. Those were dark days--and yet because of her love and faith my own faith is strong and in Him I will forever trust. May God give you consolation, Lindsey, and in little surprising ways, He will.

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  4. Prayers for you and your mother.
    I am so sorry.

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  5. She is lovely in all your pictures. I love how you love her.

    I will keep praying.

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  6. Lindsay I'm sorry to hear you are all going through this again (still). Praying for your family.

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  7. Hot steamy tears...God bless you Lindsay (and all of your family). We are praying for you all.

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  8. I read the letters between Zelie and Louis Martin, and towards the end she prayed about living for her children. She acknowledged that if it was better for their souls, that she be with God, then she would go with a certain peace in mind. I thought that was so brave, and a good way of looking at a heart wrenching situation. Your sweet mother seems very Zelie-like to me. I will continue to pray for her, and your family.

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  9. Praying for you and your sweet mom. Thank you for letting us pray for your family!

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  10. I will continue to pray for your mother and your family; what a difficult time for you! Thank you God for such a wonderful example of motherhood and womanhood that has been lived by your mother.

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  11. Such a beautiful post. I love how you applied the story of Peter to your life - there are many times when that could apply to mine, too. I think your mother really needed to hear you say that you were going to miss her - people probably aren't honest like that enough when someone is ill because they don't want to make them sad.

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  12. I am so sorry to hear this, but so enriched, too...I will continue to pray for you all. You and your mother are both embodiments of beauty, faithfulness, and grace. -Jeannine

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  13. We so need an update on your mom! Ever so brief, and we will continue to pray for her and your entire family.

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