9 Months Old

I am thousands of pictures behind and even more blog posts in my attempts to capture how I feel about our children.  I can sure worry with the best of them.  I am not easy going when it comes to them and their lives.  The time I have with them can not compete with the love I have in my heart.  Their lives are so wonderful and have brought such joy into our hearts.  With that joy, I have felt so many daily sorrows.  Some big and so many are so small that I have never vocalized them to anyone.  Sitting with Dominic tonight before bed, I sat and listened to him tell me all about everything.  Gosh, that is so painful.  Why?  Time slipping away I am sure.

I cannot help but whisper to God, "Please let me have more children."  I love these children so much.  Their lives are so beautiful to me. 

Our Lourdes is NINE months old today.  She has her bottom two teeth and is standing everywhere.  She says a few words and loves to show us where the light is.  She came with strong velcro attached to my hip.  She is very slow to get on solids and still won't take a bottle.  Her little stomach is very sensitive and seems to react to most foods I've given her.  She still nurses like a newborn.  The girls carry her around all day so much so that I realized today that she was never on the floor.  Ever.  If she wasn't sleeping, someone was playing with her.  What a lovely life you have.

I had planned to go last week to be with my mom, but we had to take Lourdes to the ER in the middle of the night for a croup attack.  After several hours there, we headed home and I just didn't feel comfortable leaving her as she still didn't feel well.  On Friday, I left her with John for three days while I went to be with my mother.  The Thanksgiving turkey never took a bottle for three days.  I have a freezer full of milk, yet she waited for her beloved to come home.  He fed her baby food and gave her drinks all day of breastmilk out of cup.  One would think after that long she would have taken it. Nope.  I told my sisters when I returned home that she nursed her lips off.  Goof.  Anyway, I was so thankful to sit with my mother and am so grateful to John for his saintly love and heroic efforts in holding down the fort. 

My Mother~a few prayer requests

May you be rewarded in eternity for the prayers and sacrifices offered for our family especially my mother during this time.

Her scan last Tuesday did not show as we were hoping for.  The tumors are still present so they will move forward with the (as they phrase it), the "Atomic Bomb" of chemos (B.E.A.K).  They described it to us as bringing her to a point of death and then back.  We have such high regard and respect for her doctors, but those terms sure scare a family.   We all were a little weary after last week.  Cancer has been such a roller coaster of emotions.  You always want God's will to be done, but trying to find your mindset and footing during the ups and downs can prove to be quite the challenge.

This round of chemo is what they have been preparing us for for many months.  She will be hospitalized for 4-6 weeks and then will stay in Kansas City for another 4 weeks for monitoring.  She might be able to go home around the beginning of next year (She currently is receiving treatments about four hours from her home).  They will rescan in March.   These are the current plans, but as we have found, plans can change in a day.

She asked me for the first time to ask people to pray for her.  She is really afraid for this treatment.  We are almost going on a year now since her diagnosis.

My second prayer request would be that Lourdes would take a bottle.  I REALLY want to be with my mom next week during chemo and specifically stay the night with her during her treatments next week.  If they are what they say they are, I do not want her alone.  The catch is that children are not allowed in during this time so I cannot bring Lourdes.  She refuses every bottle we've tried to give her, but in order for me to stay with my mom at night, Lourdes needs to take a bottle.  I have enough milk stored up from her time in the NICU so that won't be a problem.  She is getting up several times at night to nurse so please pray that God will be merciful on this small, but important detail.  I wish so much to be with my mom especially during the nights (We live three hours from Kansas City so I can't go back and forth.)

Thank you so much.  I know so many people who are suffering from cancer and other illnesses.  My heart and mind are often without words when you see the vast suffering everywhere you look.

God Bless You.

Enthronement to the Sacred Heart

On Friday, October 9, 2015, we enthroned our home to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I remember my parents doing this as a child and feeling such security knowing that Jesus was especially watching over our home. You can read more about the significance and importance HERE.  I also loved this explanation HERE about what the enthronement actually means, how we live it out, how it sanctifies families and marriage.  I love many aspects about this beautiful devotion namely we are inviting Jesus into our homes and proclaiming Him king of our household.  As stated on the blog, " The goal of it is to unite the tabernacle of the church and the tabernacle of the home in order to make domestic churches of the homes."

(Damaris is hidden behind Lillie.)

Our Lord Jesus Christ made these twelve promises to those who honor His Sacred Heart to St. Margaret Mary Alacoque, a French nun, whom he called “the Beloved Disciple of the Sacred Heart” and the Heiress “of all Its treasures”, in the 1670’s. They show us how much he cherishes this devotion. Considering that the blood that redeemed us at Calvary came from His Sacred Heart and that so much love and light still exude from it, we can easily understand why! These promises were revealed in one of many private revelations that Jesus gave St. Margaret Mary. Our Lord promised the following:

 1. I will give them all the graces necessary for their state in life.
 2. I will establish peace in their families.
 3. I will comfort them in their trials.
 4. I will be their secure refuge during life, and, above all, in death.
 5. I will shed abundant blessings on all their undertakings
 6. Sinners will find in My Heart an infinite ocean of mercy.
7. Lukewarm souls will become fervent.
8. Fervent souls will rapidly grow in holiness and perfection.
 9. I will bless every place where an image of My Heart shall be exposed and honored.
10. I will give to priests the gift of touching the most hardened hearts.
11. The names of those who promote this devotion will be written in My Heart, never to be blotted out.
12. I promise thee, in the excessive mercy of My Heart, that My all-powerful love will grant to all those who receive Holy Communion on the First Friday of nine consecutive months, the grace of final penitence; they shall not die in My disgrace nor without receiving their Sacraments; My Divine Heart shall be their safe refuge in this last moment.

 Keep in mind in the 12th Promise that our Lord asks us to receive Him in Holy Communion in a state of grace on the First Friday of each of nine consecutive months, a First Friday devotion.

If you have any serious sins on your soul, it’s important to have them absolved in the Sacrament of Penance (Confession) first. (If for some reason you miss a month, the following month becomes your first again, but considering the graces Jesus offers us here, it’s more than worth following this schedule!)

As with all of God’s graces, these promises are contingent on our obeying His Will for us through prayer, the sacraments, reading and studying about our faith, and listening to His Holy Spirit. This is not as difficult as it may sound, however. What it involves, after all, is trying our best to live a good life pleasing to God, in obedience to Him, and sharing His love with others!

 Think also of those parables in the Gospels in which Jesus spoke approvingly of the good and faithful servants who served their master diligently and thus were rewarded when he returned (Matt 24:45-47 and 25:14-30 ).

The ninth promise, incidentally can help with the seventh and eighth. Just as looking at a crucifix can remind you of the immense depth of God’s love for us, so can looking at an image of our Lord and His Sacred Heart such as the one above further personalize that love for each of us, and for you in particular.

Seeing His Sacred Heart ablaze with love and light can be a source of great consolation after a hard day or during a trying time in this often loveless world! And remember, His love is not just for us sinners or for fallen humanity in the abstract, but for you as well!

These promises, like this devotion, remind us that God’s love for us is such that he doesn’t want to lose any of us to Satan and Perdition. The Good Shepherd will search after His lost sheep, but, we must want to be found.

 As St. Augustine, the 5th Century bishop of Hippo, one of our greatest theologians and a Doctor of the Church once said about God “He who created us without our help will not save us without our consent.”

Fr. Courtney has a special devotion to the Sacred Heart.  He had us pray a novena in preparation.  He blessed the picture and encouraged us to come to his heart in times of trial and sorrow and seek his protection and comfort. 

The Beauty in Suffering

She always apologizes for her hair.  I see nothing but her beauty.  I see her sacrifices for souls.  I see her port in her right shoulder and her tri-line in the other shoulder.  I see her C-section scar and other scars that only a handful know about.  I truly think she couldn't be more beautiful than she is now.  I love her hair.  I love her heart more.  I love her beautiful and suffering eyes.

Last weekend, several of my siblings came to be with her as she received her second round of chemo.  She will have a PET scan Oct. 20th to show if the cancer is gone.  If it is gone, they will do one more round of chemo.  If it is not, they will finish chemo and begin radiation.

It is our privilege to sit beside her during this time.  I wish I could accompany her to every blood draw, every scan, every consult, but right now God did not want that.  She always tells us that our duties are at home and that makes her most happy.  She is such a person of resolve.  She sees God in EVERYONE.  I mean EVERYONE.  She listens to her doctors and accepts what they tell her to do-no questions.  She knows God has a plan for her. She suffers so well.

She is my dearest of friends.  I haved loved her my whole life.  She asked me why I was taking pictures of her.  I do want to remember this time with her, but more importantly I always take pictures of beautiful things I see.  I SEE nothing but beauty. 

Before getting sick, she worked out at CrossFit most days.  She continued her workouts even after being diagnosed.  She is so strong.  She set a goal to do 100 squats everyday no matter what.  She has kept them up even during chemo.  We went for a walk down the hall and did some stretches together.   She said it felt so good after laying in a bed for five days.  Isn't she amazing!

I told her I took a Pure Barre class so she wanted to try some of those moves and stretches. 

There is never a baby she doesn't want to hold or love.  I inherited my love of babies from her. 

She requested that evening to watch the new Cinderella movie.  It was so fun.  We got snacks and turned down the lights.  She loved it.

Chemo meds

Her last day was very difficult with nausea and headaches.  The nurses really worked with her to help make her comfortable.  Thank you, my mother, for suffering so well.  Thank you for loving us enough to offer your life for ours and those we love.  Thank you for blazing the trail.  She gave us many gifts and showed us much love, but right now she is doing her greatest work confined to a bed in a city that is not her home.  She is suffering so that her children and others may get to heaven.

John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, but to lay down his life for his friends."

True and Beautiful #1

1. I have been fascinated by the art of penmanship since I was a young child.  I bought my first calligraphy kit in grade school, but could never quite master the beauty.  My fascination continues with beautiful penmanship and I always remind our children to work diligently on their penmanship each day.

Take a moment to watch this video about Master Penman Jake Weidmann.

Read Here.
And Here.

The video is beautiful and the message is even better.



2.   A new to me blog The Art of Manliness
There are so many insightful tidbits I can't wait to share with Dominic, in particular.  It was such a fun blog to wander around in. 

3.  This afternoon, the older kids and I delightfully flipped through pictures on Facebook of the Sisters, Slaves of the Immaculate Heart of Mary.  It was a simple pleasure, but seeing how the sisters live and find delight in gardening, host making, quilting, cake decorating, hiking, and cleaning warms my heart.  Rose was enamored by their life and talked about them the rest of the day.

Spectacular Sisterhood

This was so great.  One of the girls' favorite daily favorites is retrieving the mail.  It is a process that most partake in.  I need to video it actually.  They usually come shrieking back home with each person holding a piece of the daily mail and my excitement level rises thinking "Who wrote me today?"  I remember being little and how exciting the mail was.  I have saved several pieces of junk mail that have made me laugh over the years due to their excitement over what they perceived was being offered.

 I remember watching baby Vianney come back from getting the mail once.  She was toddling along and mouthing over and over again "Baby."  She was just starting to talk and I could see her from the window saying it over and over again.  Her big eyes were bursting with excitement and a look that said, "I need to show Mama."  In her little fat hand was a picture of a baby crawling on fresh carpet advertising this new company's carpet cleaning services.  It touched my heart so much how excited she was to show me the baby.  I kept that postcard as those moments make me tear up when thinking about how innocent children are.  Her little feet were going so fast.  She was on a mission to show me.

On this particular day, the shrieking and excitement reached new levels.  I mean over the years I've heard some pretty good shrieks.  American Girl magazine and LEGO magazine have the same affect Christmas morning offers.  They cut each girl out of the American Girl catalog and play paper dolls for DAYS, maybe even weeks.  It lasts FOREVER and is intense.

I was nursing Lourdes on the opposing couch and was dying at their audible gasps at the turn of each page.  We received in the mail a copy of Chasing Fireflies magazine.  I've never heard of it, but the costumes were like nothing I've ever seen.  Let the dreaming begin. I am sure the neighbors heard the commotion as each page offered hours of plays and productions.  It was sweet to watch.  I love letting them dream.

Vianney's face

A beautiful visual for explaining to our children about receiving Jesus in Holy Communion.

"We should receive Our Lord in the Eucharist with the faith and love of a child.  Children receiving Holy Communion ought to think of themselves approaching to take the Child Jesus from the arms of our Blessed Lady.  With how much love and adoration, with what joy we should receive Jesus into our arms, if the Blessed Virgin should appear before us to give Him to us!  Yet Holy Communion is really better than that; we not only receive Jesus into our arms, but into our very hearts."

Taken from My Catholic Faith
Original copyright, 1949, 1955, 1958

I showed this picture to the kids today and we were all filled with wonder and awe.  Isn't that the most perfect way to approach Holy Communion!  Can't you just imagine a child walking toward Mary to hold Jesus!  I know how our children approach me to hold Lourdes so this really spoke to their hearts.  I loved it for myself also.  I can get so distracted with keeping the children in line that my mind wonders, but I just keep thinking of this image when walking up to receive Jesus.  We are using this book for religion as part of our homeschool curriculum.  It is so very rich! 

I discovered this book on our shelf about a month ago.  I literally CANNOT stop reading it.  The illustrations are second to none.  Most pages are filled with such detailed art work.  I would buy it again for the pictures alone.  I have learned and relearned so much about our beautiful Catholic faith.  Our faith is so rich and meaningful.  EVERYTHING means something.  Everything.  I am trying to absorb His beautiful wisdom through all the guidelines the Church has given to us.  It is all out of so much LOVE.

We all really should meditate upon this picture often perhaps right before Holy Communion.

The Cheese

I haven't been able to quite capture it yet, but this is close. I L.O.V.E when babies start the cheese smile. She does it loud and proud. The kids hit the floor everytime because she holds it tight and cheesy. I hope I can capture the real deal before she stops doing it.

Starting her engines...

Shy because her audience is egging her on..

Cheese Take #1

Cheesier Take #2

Coming out of the cheese...almost got it...

Away with you fools...

HE HAS SHOWN HIS MAJESTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I came home from noon mass today to find the following message from my mother:

"OK...I'm gonna cry with joy for now!!!  I need Pete to explain it to you but the PET scan last week showed the tumors are gone on one side and shrinking on the other!!!  I still have to go through chemo and stem cell transplant but not sure if I have to be in the hospital!!!  My head is spinning!  Even the nurses are confused!! ANY WAY... My tumors are too small to qualify for trial anymore!  For now...we will start chemo tomorrow and they will tell me then if I am to be admitted to the hospital!!! For now... I'm afraid to tell anyone in case I wake up from this dream!  Going to tell my friend "THANK YOU for today!!"

We begged God to show off and LOOK WHAT HE HAS DONE.  The ALMIGHTY has done great things for me and HOLY is HIS NAME.

Dominic sang at a holy hour on Friday evening.  During Benediction, I truly begged God for her life.  A peace like I've NEVER KNOWN filled my soul and I knew she would be well.  I knew it was the story of Abraham and Issac.  Right before the final moments, God provided a ram in the thicket for the sacrifice and saved Issac's life.  He knew Abraham loved HIM.

THIS was my mother.  She went so obediently to every appointment KNOWING that God will provide either way.  She went.  She went. She went to her holy hour EVERY afternoon to be with her best friend in prayer.  She was faithful to the end. 

Prince George

I really don't know what to say about these pictures because I just grit my teeth when I look at them. Kapaun is beyond words these days.  He is just the most perfect little boy we could have ever asked for.  There aren't enough adjectives to describe him and the joy he brings to our home.  He enjoys food like an adult.  He loves a good bowl of curry.  He had three helpings of orange chicken a couple nights ago.  He can put down two PB & j=Jellies fast.  Although, applesauce takes the gold as he will eat the entire jar if he sees his beloved "SAUCE."  He and Damaris are the best of friends.  She uses him well as her scape goat which is always cute because if I ask who performed a certain crime, she eagerly blames "Joe."  He just stands there unable to defend himself with his current vocabulary. 

Yogurt legs

He is not wearing white panty hose.

Add caption

WAR ROOM---Go see it NOW!!!

I will write more about this later, but PLEASE (x 1,000,000) go see the movie "War Room."  TODAY.  Go see it again and again and again.  See it with your spouse, with anyone who will go.

It is life changing and so motivational.

Watch this interview HERE

Lord, help me to pray like Aunt Clara in that movie for all of our needs.

Understanding miracles

Thank you for your kind comments and prayers for my wonderful mother.  I wrote to someone that I can't help but want  God to show off.  PLEASE.  I know He does everyday and reveals His goodness everywhere.  I do.  I met with my spiritual adviser before Lourdes was born and was telling him how John and I accept the task God has given to us, but humanly speaking I couldn't help but ask for a miracle at each ultrasound.  I would do fine until the day of each appointment and would ask God for a miracle that her omphalocele was gone.  I was hoping for a miracle.  Mostly, it wasn't the omphalocele I was afraid of.  I didn't want to watch her suffer.  I didn't want her to go through surgery.  I didn't want to be away from our other children.  I DIDN'T want to SUFFER in that way.  I wanted to custom design my sufferings.  Please do not involve those whom I love most and are dearest to my heart.

Monsignor told me to really ask myself why I was asking for a miracle and why do we ask for miracles.  Hmm?  He explained that God uses miracles for a variety of reasons.  He went through several biblical stories where God would bless certain people and then they would go through a trial and cry out, "God, where are you?"  He delivered the Israelites from slavery, but when they walked in the desert for years they cried out again "God, where are you?" Often, a miracle is performed to bring those whom have drifted away back closer to Him and prove his existence in a stronger way.  He asked me if I could honestly look at my life and say "There is NO God."

Nope.  I can not say that.  I have looked at God in the face 9 times.  I see HIM in their faces everyday.  I see Him in my suffering mother who is offering HER life so that others may walk closer to God.  I see HIM in so many of my wonderful friends.  I see HIM everywhere.  So, do I need a miracle to show me God exists?

He encouraged me to go to each appointment with the resolve that everything will be the same as it was at the last appointment.  He wasn't saying it in a hopeless way.  He was encouraging me to be at PEACE and KNOW that HE IS GOD and He is taking care of everything.  I do not need a miracle to know that.

I want to remember this gem throughout my life.  I pass this along because it helped me so.

Ask yourself, "Can I honestly look at my life and blessings and say 'There is NO God!' and 'Do I really need this miracle right now to prove God's goodness?''

With that, I have to say "Help me accept this cross.  Help me.  Walk with me.  I know you will work out everything for goodness because YOU ARE ONLY goodness and love."

Time

My time spent here has been very sparse this year.   It was a year ago this week that we found out our unborn child (Little Lourdes) had a serious birth defect that would require surgery after birth.  Three short months later, my wonderful friend and mother was diagnosed with cancer.  The events of the early months this year played out with God guiding the ship during the storm and constantly spoke "PEACE.  Be still and KNOW that I am God."

 In April, a scan determined my mother to be cancer free.  What a joyous and wonderful occasion for our family.  She had not tolerated her 4th chemo treatment well.  Her 5th treatment was delayed due to her reaction and her 6th and final treatment was not given because her counts never came up.  To finish up her treatment plan, a scheduled CT/PET scan was performed to wrap everything and then she was to do rechecks every 6 months for two years and then she would be considered "cured."

At that final scan, it was discovered her cancer has already returned in full force.  For the past few months, our family has been wrapped in all the many details this involves from deciding if and when treatments are option and which treatments to do since her cancer has already returned so shortly after being declared cancer-free.

I drove home last week to be with her and truly memorize her ways.  I took pictures of her in her garden.  I tried to really look at her hands and face.

She had surgery a couple weeks ago to remove the tumors found on her neck.  The biopsy showed the cancer to be growing aggressively.  The doctors are recommending a very aggressive treatment plan.  She will undergo chemotheraphy again and a bone marrow transplant.  This past Monday and Tuesday, she underwent a bone marrow harvest.  On Thursday, she had a bone marrow biopsy and CT/PET scan today.  I drove to Kansas City on Wednesday to be with her.  We had such a wonderful time together.  I took Lourdes with me and she was just perfect.

She had to be fasting until after her procedure.  We went to Winstead's afterwards and stuffed our faces with a bacon cheeseburger and chocolate shake.  IT was so wonderful to be with her.

She is scheduled to begin chemo on Wednesday.  She will be hospitalized each treatment because of the nature of this chemo.  After chemo, she will undergo a bone marrow transplant.  The doctors have given her a 50/50 chance of survival.  She is in a fight for her life. 

I have been so overwhelmed at her diagnosis.  I am sure this post isn't even coherent.  I would be so very grateful for prayers for her.  To be honest, I am so very afraid to see her suffer.   She is a professional when it comes to suffering and is so willing. She has a VERY specific intention she is offering this round of cancer for.  Any prayers offered on her behalf will be very much appreciated.

It seems odd most times to share such personal details.  I know the POWER of prayer is magnificent so I humbly ask for prayers and the good Lord's intercession for my dearest of friends.  

Thank you.

Our little Lourdes- almost 7 months

Our little girl is almost SEVEN months old. Her siblings still fight over her like it is the first day we brought her home. Tears are still included. They just LOVE her. She is getting into the crawling position so her mobility is about to change.  We haven't tried table food yet and she refuses to take a bottle.  What a goof.  She will put anything into her mouth, but the bottle is repulsive.  She (not I) is still throwing a great late night party.  The kids remark often how smart they think she is.  Rose loves when she puts her finger in her mouth like this.

Clairvaux is her #1 holder.  Always.  All day.  Anywhere.  Anytime. She corners me to hold her. 

Isn't she just darling!  What a precious, precious baby.